


we were wild and fluorescent | come home to my heart

by fir8008



Series: but when i reach for you it's just a supercut [3]
Category: JBJ (Band), Longguo & Shihyun (Band), Produce 101 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Self-Doubt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-30
Updated: 2018-01-30
Packaged: 2019-03-10 23:12:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13511736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fir8008/pseuds/fir8008
Summary: Yongguk pulls away and pets Sihyun’s hair again. “Don’t forget that I love you.”





	we were wild and fluorescent | come home to my heart

**Author's Note:**

> Hello hello! This is a fic I took way too long to get around too and as a result I lost a lot of my timeline integrity just because so much time passed and the resources I was using to keep up with Longguo&Shihyun updates don't seem to be translating any of Shihyun's solo activities, like his radio show. So this fic, while still pretty canon compliant, probably isn't quite as honest with the timeline, but as this is a work of fiction, that shouldn't be a huge issue. 
> 
> There are two tiny sexual implications if you squint.
> 
> Title comes from Lorde's "Supercut" 
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

It’s not unfamiliar, being the one to leave first, but maybe it is unfamiliar to see Yongguk seemingly so unconcerned by Sihyun’s departure. When Sihyun left him the first time, Yongguk looked like he wanted to follow him. Sihyun can guiltily admit he was happy that Yongguk needed him so much. It’s different this time. Sihyun packs with his bedroom door open while Yongguk sits outside at his computer, indifferently gaming. 

Sihyun zips up his suitcase and sets it by the door. He’s going to Hong Kong. He got invited to walk in a fashion show. Him. He’s having an individual schedule. He could sing, he’s so happy.

“Do you have any advice for me?” Sihyun asks Yongguk sweetly. 

He’s not expecting anything else when Yongguk just kind of shrugs at him. “Travel well,” he says with a little wave. 

Sihyun’s enamored with Hong Kong and he can’t help but think how he’d like to come back Yongguk; Sihyun spends maybe too much time thinking of Yongguk as he walks around during his leisure time. He resists the urge to call Yongguk, because Yongguk is probably busy. It’s not a long trip anyway, and Sihyun shouldn’t miss Yongguk so much.

When Sihyun gets home a few days later, Yongguk isn’t home, and when he finally gets home he barely acknowledges that Sihyun is back. Sihyun pouts a little as he unpacks. He had hoped Yongguk would miss him, but it was too much to hope for. It’s strange to want Yongguk to need him and miss him, but Sihyun tries to shake off those thoughts as mere exhaustion from his trip and nothing more. 

But then Yongguk corners him against their kitchen counter and catches Sihyun’s hand in his and pulls him closer, dipping his head down to kiss Sihyun softly. And Sihyun is dizzy when Yongguk pulls away and tells him quietly that he missed him. 

 

Sihyun doesn’t know what to make of Yongguk suddenly changing directions as they’re walking. It makes Sihyun feel anxious because he planned this forced day out so meticulously, and it wasn’t like Yongguk to be impulsive, so he really can’t do anything but follow Yongguk like a lost puppy. 

It shouldn’t really surprise him that Yongguk leads him to a gaming room but Sihyun wonders just how premeditated this departure from his schedule was and if Yongguk put the same effort into finding this place as Sihyun did for the rest of their day out. He doesn’t think so, simply because Sihyun is so overly meticulous that he can’t imagine Yongguk putting forth the same amount of effort for him. Sihyun can admit that the VR game they play is fun, and that even he’s pleasantly frightened and startled by the horror game, enough that his satoori comes out, and he screams in shock at the jump scares. Yongguk helps him remove the VR helmet and it’s a kind gesture that maybe makes Sihyun’s heart flutter. 

They leave the gaming room and it’s dark outside. They get turned around on the way to the supermarket but find it eventually. Sihyun has planned everything down to the cent and he’s surprised that Yongguk is just following his lead and even feeds him a sample of grilled meat. Yongguk’s just in a good mood from spending hours gaming, Sihyun tells himself as he sends Yongguk off to get salt. 

(Being in a good mood doesn’t mean Yongguk knows how to buy groceries and Sihyun returns with perilla leaves to find Yongguk blankly staring at salt shakers and meaninglessly listening to them when he shakes them by his ear.) 

 

Sihyun leads them to the small studio he rented for the night and the surprised but pleased look on Yongguk’s face makes him feel good. Even more so when Yongguk compliments the meat Sihyun grills for them. Eating meat and drinking beer at this rooftop alone with Yongguk feels like it could be something else if not for the cameras they’ve carried around all day pointed at them, and Sihyun won’t let his thoughts get out of control and fanciful like that. 

They’re tired and maybe a little bit buzzed so they call their manager to ask to stay out and she agrees easily, she should if it was the company that contacted this program to force them to go out anyway. 

Sihyun is tired and buzzed so he goes to brush his teeth. He feels relaxed and happy and when he opens the door to leave the bathroom he comes face to face with Yongguk who pushes him back into the bathroom and presses their lips together in a kiss. Sihyun’s eyes widen in surprise as Yongguk kisses him more insistently and his hands land on Sihyun’s back to support him. Sihyun wants to kiss back but he doesn’t, instead he pushes Yongguk away, this whole scene achingly familiar, but somehow the pain it causes him never dulls. 

“What are you doing?” Sihyun asks tiredly. His resolve is shot and Yongguk’s mouth tastes like beer. 

“I kissed you.”

“Why?”

“Because I love you.” 

Yongguk always says it so plainly. He never dresses it up. Sihyun doesn’t know why Yongguk is so frank, maybe he just doesn’t know how to be any other way. But he says it so plainly Sihyun doesn’t know if he means it. Sihyun isn’t even sure if Yongguk is aware of the gravity of his words and how they make Sihyun feel.

Sihyun doesn’t say anything so Yongguk kisses him again, resting his hand on the nape of Sihyun’s neck to pull him closer. Sihyun pushes him away and Yongguk’s eyes flash briefly with confusion. 

“The camera out there is still on,” Sihyun says hoarsely. “So don’t do this.” 

Yongguk says nothing as he lets Sihyun push him back out of the bathroom and closes the door in his face. Sihyun locks it and rests his forehead against the door. His heart is beating too fast. Sihyun takes a steadying breath and brushes his teeth again. 

Yongguk says all the time that there are no thoughts that pass through his head. Perhaps that’s why everything is simple for him, why things are black and white. There’s only two options for Yongguk, that Sihyun loves him back and will kiss him or that Sihyun doesn’t love him and will push him away. The truth is a stormy swirl of grey that Sihyun doesn’t even want to put a toe into because it’s too liable to rip him to pieces and suffocate him hoping for things that cannot be. 

When Sihyun emerges from the bathroom, Yongguk gestures towards the mattress pushed against the wall. “You should use that one,” he says. Again, plainly. Sihyun wants to think it’s because Yongguk knows he has trouble sleeping and is being considerate, and not because Yongguk likes to roll himself in blankets and sleep like a kimbap.

Sihyun still tosses and turns all night even if he is on the bed, and when he hears Yongguk’s alarm go off he pretends to be asleep. Yongguk is leaving to go practice for his upcoming JBJ activities and Sihyun can hear him rustling around. Sihyun stills as Yongguk strokes his hair gently and says goodbye. Sihyun listens to Yongguk leave and continues to lay in the bed. 

It takes Sihyun another hour to get up to close up the apartment. He leaves and slowly walks alone back to the subway. 

 

Sihyun knows it’s only a matter of time before Yongguk has to leave their dorm. JBJ is no longer a dream because it’s coming true and so it would only make sense for Yongguk to move into another dorm with his new members. Sihyun doesn’t think he’ll be that lonely, because he’ll have to take care of the cats, but then Yongguk tells him that he got permission to bring the cats to the dorm with him. For some reason that stings a bit. 

As the day gets closer, Sihyun feels even more deflated. He doesn’t even care if Rcy bites him because he doesn’t even know when Rcy will have the opportunity to bite him again. Yongguk scoffs and calls him strange when he sees Sihyun putting a bandage on his finger and Sihyun decides to ignore him. It will make things easier, making things a bit curt now. Sihyun wants it to soften the blow of parting, mostly for himself. 

But instead Yongguk becomes inordinately affectionate towards him and Sihyun finds it altogether too overwhelming when the night before Yongguk is meant to leave, he pulls Sihyun into his arms and kisses him more insistently, more desperately and Sihyun doesn’t know what to do. He can guess what Yongguk wants, and Sihyun wishes he could be a bit haughty about the whole thing. He wants to be able to say if Yongguk wants him, he has to wait for him, has to come home to him first. That after everything, Yongguk has to choose Sihyun.

But Sihyun knows himself, and knows how long he has wanted, and knows if Yongguk would ask him, Sihyun would tell him yes and mean it.

 

Yongguk nudges him awake. “I have to leave,” he whispers apologetically. 

Sihyun just rolls over and pulls the blanket over his head. He wishes Yongguk would have just left without saying anything, so it would be easier for Sihyun to pretend last night was just a dream. Sihyun doesn’t want to face the reality of Yongguk leaving him. 

Sihyun loves Yongguk. Desperately. Painfully. Hopelessly. Sometimes he wishes he didn’t, but Sihyun couldn’t stop it when those feelings took root in his heart and refused to stop growing. 

And Yongguk? 

Yongguk says he loves Sihyun, but Sihyun isn’t so sure. No matter how many times Yongguk says it, no matter how much time passes, Sihyun still isn’t sure he can believe it. Sihyun knows that he’s someone comfortable, and he thinks Yongguk has mistaken Sihyun’s convenience for real love. Sihyun doesn’t know what to make of Yongguk’s brusqueness, his sudden changes from hot to cold. But even if Yongguk doesn’t really love him, Sihyun really loves Yongguk. And Sihyun is Yongguk’s in a way that Yongguk will never be his, so Sihyun will give and give and give until there’s nothing left for Yongguk to take. 

Sihyun told himself when he left Produce 101 to not grab Yongguk’s ankles and prevent him from running ahead without Sihyun. It hurt him, but back then maybe it hurt Yongguk more, to lose Sihyun at such a vulnerable time, after running so far together only for Sihyun to trip and fall behind and leave Yongguk alone.

This time it’s harder for Sihyun to watch Yongguk running ahead of him again. It stings because their debut together left them both feeling dissatisfied with themselves, but now Yongguk was leaving him to go to JBJ. Sihyun’s nights had been quieter when Yongguk went from their unit schedules to JBJ practices. Sihyun had tried to force down his feelings of jealousy and inadequacy, but much like the love that grew without his permission, those negative feelings grew like weeds trying to choke out anything Sihyun was trying to carefully grow. It became glaringly obvious to Sihyun that Yongguk didn’t want him or need him, and that Sihyun was very much in Yongguk’s way. That Sihyun was a weed trying to choke out Yongguk’s growth. 

Sihyun can hear Yongguk moving around the dorm and he buries his face in his pillow to drown out the sound. Yongguk left his bedroom door open when he walked out so Sihyun would have to hear him leaving. Sihyun knows it’s because Yongguk didn’t think of it, but it feels so callous just the same. 

Eventually Yongguk comes back into the room and Sihyun can feel the bed dip with his weight. He pulls the blanket off of Sihyun’s face and runs a hand through Sihyun’s bedhead. “I’m going now,” Yongguk says. His voice has traces of a rasp. “I’ll call you.” 

Sihyun just grunts. 

Yongguk turns Sihyun’s face to him and bends down to kiss him. Yongguk pulls away and pets Sihyun’s hair again. “Don’t forget that I love you.” 

Sihyun suddenly wants to cry because he doesn’t know if he believes Yongguk, he doesn’t know if he’s allowed to believe Yongguk when Yongguk just can’t be his.

 

The dorm is too quiet when Sihyun is alone. 

There’s no noise and the quiet is deafening. It’s not like Yongguk was ever noisy, but he made enough noise for Sihyun to know he was there. The cats too. There used to be the sounds of their life going on, but there’s nothing now. No faint rustling of the cats on their scratching posts, no distant clicks of Yongguk’s keyboard, no Yongguk calling his name either. Sihyun doesn’t know what to do when there’s no noise, when he’s alone in the silence. 

He can’t sleep. 

He never really could, and everyone knew that to some extent. He tried everything to fall asleep - ASMR, instrumental music, aromatherapy, cutting out caffeine, turning off his phone early, reading, meditating - but nothing worked. The only thing that ever worked was Yongguk spooning him in his bed that was too small for both of them. But Sihyun couldn’t depend on Yongguk when he wasn’t there anymore so he scolds himself. 

For the first few days, it’s too quiet and it unsettles Sihyun, but as the days pass, his thoughts get louder and louder until his brain is always far too loud for him to think of anything at all. When Sihyun closes his eyes he can see Yongguk’s eyes, that sharp feline gaze peeking over the dip of Sihyun’s hip bones, can feel the heat of his tongue, and it rattles Sihyun too much. And with those thoughts roaring around in his head, unsurprisingly, Sihyun still can’t sleep. 

On top of that, Sihyun has too much free time but nothing to do. He goes to the company to train diligently even though part of him thinks he’s just going through the motions of training. Anyway, the practice rooms are usually in use by the female trainees in the company or by Hyokyou, who’s preparing for his official debut as well. Sihyun shouldn’t take up the space when his future is currently directionless. 

Going home is also not an option, even if it tempts him the most. 

It’s not like his family isn’t supportive, they are, and his brother would happily welcome him home and tell him all kinds of white lies about how well Sihyun is doing. But it doesn’t feel like Sihyun can go home when he has done nothing to prove to his parents that dropping out of school to start trainee life was worth it. He’s already too disappointed in himself, so going home now would feel too much like admitting failure. So he can’t go home yet, not when it feels like he’s crawling home with his tail tucked between his legs. 

So Sihyun stays at the dorm, lost in the silence and the din of his thoughts. 

 

Sihyun has to support Yongguk’s endeavors no matter what, because he wants Yongguk to succeed and to shine as brightly as possible. Because Yongguk deserves all the recognition in the world, and though Sihyun wants to selfishly keep Yongguk to himself, he knows he can’t. So he watches when JBJ begin their reality show and he smiles and laughs softly in the silence of his room. It’s nice to see Yongguk so cheerful, and it’s nice to see the faces of the people he hasn’t seen for a while.

Sihyun eventually loses focus, and his thoughts wander and the words drift through his ears until he’s jolted out of his daydream by his name from Yongguk’s lips. 

“Sihyunie,” Yongguk says, apparently the answer to some question, and the others laugh as Sihyun’s small face pops up on the screen. Sihyun watches idly, half-hoping Yongguk will say his name again, but he doesn’t. 

Sihyun continues to monitor their broadcasts, and everything and anything Yongguk appears in, trying to not feel jealous at the amount of skinship his members show him and how Yongguk warms up to them faster than he warmed to Sihyun. When their album comes out, it’s all Sihyun listens to for days afterwards, wondering if Yongguk is more pleased with it than he was with their unit promotion. Yongguk doesn’t call him, Sihyun doesn’t even know if Yongguk is allowed to have his phone, so listening to Yongguk singing is the only way for Sihyun to hear his voice.

Sihyun manages to sleep a little, headphones in his ears, listening to Yongguk’s sweet voice. 

 

Sihyun comes home from the company one day after sitting and staring at walls (and at Hyokyou) and he’s so exhausted that it takes him a moment to register Rcy twining around his leg. Sihyun freezes. She’s not supposed to be here. Sihyun walks into their dorm and sees Yongguk in the kitchen. 

“What…” 

Yongguk pulls him into a hug suddenly and Sihyun is still frozen solid. “Just today,” Yongguk says against Sihyun’s neck. “It’s not long. I missed you so much. But I’m home. You’re home. You’re my home.” 

Sihyun carefully wraps his arms around Yongguk’s waist as Yongguk catches his lips in a kiss. Sihyun breathes in shallowly as he finally presses up on his tiptoes to return the kiss, fingers curling into Yongguk’s shirt. 

Yongguk is home. Home with Sihyun. Sihyun wraps his arms around Yongguk’s shoulders and deepens their kiss. Even if it’s brief, Yongguk still came back to him. 

They part, and Yongguk looks at Sihyun, nervous and expectant. Sihyun smiles at him, eyes watering, but sincere. 

“I love you too.”

**Author's Note:**

> you can follow me on Twitter @jy_kim8008 where I post updates on how all my wips are coming along!


End file.
